It's Time To Burn My $200 Candle
The Sunday Roundup #15: My Diptyque candle and I have been in a two year relationship and it's time to let go.
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A year and a half ago I blacked out in a Diptyque and bought a $200 candle.
If you also want to make a huge mistake, this is the candle.
It’s scent? Gorgeous. Light, yet rich. Clean, yet sharp. That’s what the wax smells like, at least. I’ve never once brought fire to the wick.
I purchased this huge, pink candle with my friend Michelle, who’s usually a wonderful enabler: “Should I have another margarita?” “Yes.” “Do I need this dress?” “It is really cute…”
Not even Michelle pretended I should buy this candle.
“Should I do it?” I asked her about ten times in the store. I kept circling it, holding it, looking at the price, putting it down, and then doing it all again. I was drawn to this candle as if it were the one ring to rule them all.
“It’s REALLY expensive for a candle,” Michelle wisely advised.
“But it’s so gorgeous,” I protested.
“I don’t think you should buy it.”
It was fuel for me to disobey. She ignited the Sagittarius within. I will buy this candle, and I will love it like a child, I thought. I will burn it in my spiritual practices, perform rituals with it, and when the wax burns away, I’ll clean it out, and put in new wax! Or, maybe I’ll use it as a potter, and plant something in it!
But once the candle was in my home, I found it impossible to light. I didn’t deserve to write, practice Yoga, or cook dinner while actively destroying a $200 object!!! I suddenly realized buying expensive candles is literally lighting money on fire. Why was I so irresponsible? Why did I buy this candle? Sure, I fell in love with it and it fit the color scheme of my new place, but was that a reason to spend so much money?
The candle was placed front and center in my living room, on display so that any guest would know I was THRIVING (in a massive depression), and therefore willing to drop big bucks on Diptyque candles. I fantasized about being so rich that I could casually light this candle when guests came over without a second thought. Instead, I lit other candles when I had company, and stared at my $200 candle, wondering how I came to own this and when on earth I’d ever use it.
What emerged was the recognition that I’m afraid to use nice things, because somewhere deep down, I don’t believe I deserve them. I’m so afraid to let go — if it’s gone, I might never allow myself a Diptyque candle again! However, if I simply displayed it in all its perfection, I wouldn’t need to feel guilty about my indulgent purchase. It was a long-lasting investment in convincing other people and myself that I was very trendy and cool.
I’ve seen this in other areas of my life too: I’d rather go buy a cheap bottle of wine than open the delicious-looking one somebody brought over for a party, or that I got on vacation. I’m saving that bottle for a “special occasion” that never seems to come. I hesitate to donate clothes that no longer fit if they were expensive. Even though I cannot fit into them. What?! Not anymore. It is time to let go.
Delaying joy does not bring joy. Delaying self-care results in self-inflicted pain. Delaying something as silly as lighting a candle results in giving an object a LOT of power it should not have.
We only have so much time on this earth, so I’m gonna burn my goddamn candle. It might’ve taken a year and a half, but I accept that I deserve to enjoy my one wild and precious life. I declare for all of you to witness that I DESERVE TO LIGHT MY $200 CANDLE! I am worthy!!! And I want to express my gratitude by using what I have instead of clinging to stuff — because no matter what it costs, it’s just stuff!
We should all do whatever we can to actively find and create joy. For me, that’s spending money on a plane ticket, a hotel room, or an incredible meal — something that I cannot hoard, but must use and enjoy. Something that will make me feel alive. Maybe for you, that is a $200 candle! Props to you. For me, I learned the hard way that it’s not.
